Shooting Victim’s Forgiveness Never Wavered

Omaha police investigate the Aug. 3, 2011, shooting of barber Kerry Baker, which occurred inside this shop where he worked. CHRIS MACHIAN/THE WORLD-HERALD

Omaha police investigate the Aug. 3, 2011 shooting of barber Kerry Baker which occurred inside this shop where he worked. CHRIS MACHIAN/THE WORLD-HERALD

Omaha World Herald, Omaha, NE – His voice weak from an August 2011 shooting, Kerry Baker told his wife in a near whisper to forgive the young men involved in the robbery that left Baker paralyzed from the neck down.

???Kerry would always tell me, ‘You have to forgive them. They got what they got,’?????? Andrea Baker said, her voice breaking. ???I’ve forgiven them. But I’m mad at them. So mad at them. And Kerry never was.???

Baker, an author and a barber, had been confined to a bed in his north Omaha home since he was shot by gang member Josh Provencher during a botched robbery at??his barbershop.

The anger multiplied last week when Baker, 42, died ??? a death that authorities believe may be related to complications of the shooting and paralysis. Now Douglas County Attorney Don Kleine is mulling whether he can bring a murder charge against Provencher, who already was sentenced to 47 to 99 years in prison for Baker’s shooting.

In a September interview, Baker talked about how much he loved telling stories ??? in print or at the barbershop. His once-husky voice was barely audible over the hum of his ventilated bed. But he wanted it made clear. He was moving forward. And he had forgiven Provencher.

Read the full story: “Shooting victim’s forgiveness never wavered.”

A Truly Wonderful Story of Forgiveness

anything is possibleEighteen-year-old Takunda Mavima was driving home from a party when he lost control and crashed his car into an off-ramp near Grand Rapids, Michigan, in May of last year.??Two passengers??in the car–17 year-old Tim See, and 15 year-old Krysta Howell–were both??killed in the collision.

Takunda Mavima lived.

Mavima pleaded guilty to all charges and was sentenced to between 30 months and 15 years in prison.

Despite their unimaginable grief and anger, both the sister and the father of victim, Tim See, gave a moving address to the court on behalf of Mavima, urging the judge to give him a light sentence.

???I am begging you to let Takunda Mavima make something of himself in the real world ??? don???t send him to prison and get hard and bitter, that boy has learned his lesson a thousand times over and he???ll never make the same mistake again,??? See’s father said.

And when the hearing ended, the victim???s family made their way across the courtroom to embrace, console, and publicly forgive Mavima.

Read the full story: “A truly wonderful story of forgiveness.”

What is involved if I start to forgive? I am new at this and it scares me.

When you forgive, you will not be excusing the person for wrongdoing. Instead, when you are ready you will be offering a cessation of resentment and, as best as you are able at present, to offer goodness of some kind to him or her. ??You may or may not reconcile, depending on the circumstances. ??You do not reconcile with someone who could physically hurt you, for example, until you have trust that the person has changed for the better. ??The gist is this: You will be trying to offer mercy to the one who hurt you. ??You can take your time and move at your pace so that the forgiveness journey is not overly burdensome for you.

I believe in accountability. Even God does not forgive without repentance.

Our question for you is this: ??Must you choose between accountability and forgiveness? ??Do you see them as mutually exclusive? ??We should recall Aristotle’s counsel to us. ??We should not practice any of the virtues in isolation. ??Accountability is a form of justice. ??Justice and forgiveness exist side-by-side. ??Regarding God’s forgiveness, we must recall that God forgives sins. ??People do not forgive sins. ??If you base you understanding of forgiveness on the Bible, then please recall that the story of Joseph forgiving his brothers (in Genesis) was a story of unconditional forgiveness. ??The brothers did not repent to Joseph before he forgave them. ??It is similar in the New Testament, in the story of the Prodigal Son, whose father forgave him unconditionally, prior to the son’s repentance.

Reality Is Constructed

ireland_bloody_sunday_2011_smallI was in conversation with a fellow academic recently and we were discussing the perceptions of history as they have emerged in Bosnia and Serbia as well as in Northern Ireland. We both have seen how opposing sides in an entrenched conflict tend to develop different stories of their histories. For example, let us take Bloody Sunday, 1972 in Northern Ireland, in which Irish demonstrators were shot by British soldiers. Even with commission reports trying to clarify definitively what happened that fateful day, both sides still have their advocates who make the strong claim that the other side shot first.

My colleague responded to this reality, that both sides construct their own histories, to say, “Reality is constructed.” Is this the case? Let us examine this because it has direct implications for forgiveness.

Is reality whatever we construct in our own minds? If so, then suppose a 6-year-old writes on his math quiz that 2+2=5. Suppose he says this is correct. He then is correct by this view (that reality is constructed) if—if—he continues to believe this true after the teacher marks it wrong and tries to explain the rules of mathematics to him, which he rejects. In Italian language class, if one student writes down that “horse” is translated as “cavallo” and another claims it is “ciuco,” and insists despite the protestations of the instructor, then both are correct. Why? Because they have constructed their own views and to construct one’s own views is to construct reality, at least that is the premise under consideration.

I hope you realize that we have just created a world of relativism in which the only right answer is the one each of us generates.

Yet, this cannot be the case because 2+2 is never 5 and a horse is never a donkey.

Is forgiveness, then, whatever we construct it as being in our own minds? Why would we wish to think this if the rules of mathematics and language (and rules of grammar for that matter) do matter? Why would something as time-honored as the rules of the moral virtues all of a sudden take on a relative twist to them when other, important rules for human interaction are absolute (not relative) and objective (not subjective in any meaningful sense)?

If you think about it, the basic understanding of what forgiveness is has not changed across historical time (if our starting point is the Hebrew scriptures), nor has it differed across the various ancient traditions of the Hebrew, Christian, Muslim, or Hindu systems.

“Reality is constructed.” I think that is a construction of some minds. And if that is true, that the statement itself is constructed, then why take the time to try to believe it? It simply came from someone’s mind who says that there are no definitive rules to reality. If this is so, then there cannot be a rule that “reality is constructed.” In trying to make an absolute and objective statement that we all construct our own reality, he just rendered his own premise false.

Long live the absolute and objective meaning of forgiveness. And what is that meaning? Let us start here: “What is Forgiveness?”

Dr. Bob

Starting the Journey of Forgiveness with Courage

CourageIt takes steadfast courage to finally decide, “I will forgive.”

So often we know in our mind, through reason, that forgiveness is the right path. Yet, we are hesitant to begin the journey. What if it proves to be too painful? What if I get lost along the way and do not know how to forgive? What if it comes out all wrong?

“Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them.” –┬áRalph Waldo Emerson

We at the International Forgiveness Institute, Inc. are here to support you as you begin the life-giving journey of forgiveness.

Dr. Bob