A Practical Application of “Seeing with New Eyes”

The late (and great) Lewis Smedes in 1984 wrote one of the early books on person-to-person forgiveness, Forgive and Forget. In that book he coined the term “seeing with new eyes” to describe what happens when we forgive. To “see with new eyes” means to begin seeing the person who has been very unjust to us as a person, as someone who is bigger than his injustices, as someone who is worthy to be called a human being, not because of what he did, but in spite of that. To “see with new eyes” means that you train your mind to see the inherent worth of all, inherent worthincluding people who hurt you. “Inherent” is built-in, unconditional, requiring nothing for its fulfillment. Worth suggests something or someone of great value, precious, and special. All people have inherent worth because they are special, unique, and irreplaceable, and bad actions on anyone’s part do not subtract one ounce of that inherent worth.

Recently, I had the privilege of talking with a 16-year-old girl (young woman, actually) who had made up her mind. She would tell her father what she had done. She would accept the consequences—-she would be thrown out of the house. Her father was not going to accept the fact that this young woman had erred. She was expecting a baby. “My father is very strict. He will not even think twice about this. He will toss me from our home as soon as I tell him. I have gained a child and lost my father.”

With the suggestion of “seeing with new eyes,” given to us by Dr. Smedes, there is no reason why she should lose her father and the father lose a daughter and a grandchild with one wave of his dismissive hand.

“May I make a recommendation?” I asked. “Before you speak with your father, I strongly recommend that you have a series of conversations with him “about one idea I learned recently.” That one idea is the inherent worth of all people regardless of who they are, where they live, how much money they have, how healthy they are, and even regardless of their behavior. I would start with people of different ethnicities, for example. Discuss with your father how people tend to pre-judge a person just because he or she is part of an ethnic group different from the one who is judging. I would then turn to the issue of poverty and ask your father if a very poor person is less worthy of respect than Donald Trump. I would eventually turn deliberately to political figures whom your father does not like. I would keep working with him, if you can, until he sees that these political figures possess inherent worth, not necessarily because of their political beliefs or what they do in the political arena, but because they are human beings and all people are special, unique, and irreplaceable.

Eye1I would then turnEye2 to a person in the family—a cousin or an uncle or anyone who annoys your father. I would ask him to work with you to see this person as worthy of respect, possessing inherent worth because he or she is a person, regardless of his or her behavior. Once you think he “gets it,” I would turn to one prominent young woman outside of your family, perhaps an actress, who has hurt her own life and career because of drug use. Have your father reflect on the fact that she possesses inherent worth even though she engaged in unfortunate behavior that hurt her career and reputation. Once he “gets it,” then turn to you, not at first in the context of your pregnancy. Instead, simply focus on you, a precious person who possesses inherent worth regardless of what you do or think or say or feel. Then when he gets this, you might consider at that point telling him about your situation. This could take days or weeks to build up to finally discussing one aspect of who you are, a young, pregnant woman, worthy of everyone’s respect because of who you are.

“Seeing with new eyes” is built up one new thought at a time. As of this post, the young woman is on her way home. What will the next chapter in her father’s and her life look like? Forgiveness can give new life.

Robert

4 thoughts on “A Practical Application of “Seeing with New Eyes”

  1. Samantha February 14, 2014 / 8:44 pm

    The take-home message here for me is that this “seeing with new eyes” is slow and progressive in its development. Small steps can eventually lead to success as we see the other as a person. As we do that we see the truth of him/her.

    Like

  2. Deborah February 15, 2014 / 7:47 pm

    This takes a lot of practice but is well worth it. Some think that this seeing-with-new-eyes is finding excuses for the one who did wrong but I do not agree with that. We are seeing that the other has “issues” and is not perfect.

    Like

  3. Chris February 18, 2014 / 2:48 pm

    When we see the other person with our “new eyes” might that make us hurt even more? We see what they have not done and what they should have done. What would happen if we feel forgiveness and then just turn away and go on down the road as we start our new life?

    Like

  4. Persona February 18, 2014 / 9:41 pm

    Chris, what if you turned away from necessary surgery on your knee? Would that lessen the pain? We need to face the pain if we are to heal from the wrong. And when we look at the other through the new eyes we see someone who is fully human which might help us reduce our anger.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s