Mirror, London, United Kingdom – Actor Kelsey Grammer’s younger sister Karen was only 18-years-old when she was raped and murdered by a serial killer in 1976. Although Grammer has carried that tragic loss in his heart for more than 40 years, he says that forgiveness is the only thing that has kept the horrific crime from destroying his life.
The much-loved star, who is best known for playing Dr Frasier Crane in television sitcoms Frasier and its predecessor Cheers, was the one who had to identify Karen’s body after her death. He said that, while he will always remember the “joy” of knowing her, he would not “let it disrupt me or destroy me.”
“As long as I’m alive I will miss her, and that’s just the way it is. So you carry that,” Grammer said. “I think you always carry it, because what you miss about them, is them in your life.”
Grammer added that forgiveness was a process that didn’t happen quickly for him and that it works together with justice.
“I’ve learned to forgive. I’ve even told the guy that is still alive that killed her that I do forgive him, although I don’t advocate for his freedom, I don’t think that’s reasonable.”
The actor, now 62, is currently starring in Big Fish The Musical at The Other Palace Theatre in London’s West End. He played Dr Frasier Crane for 20 years across the two TV comedy shows for which he won four Emmy Awards and two Golden Globes as a lead actor.#
Read more: “Kelsey Grammer ‘forgives’ serial killer who raped and murdered sister but wants him to stay in jail”
“Robert Enright, PhD, is a pioneer in the scientific study of forgiveness,” LaBianca outlines in the prelude to her article. “Here, he breaks down his four-phase model that has helped countless patients overcome anxiety, depression, and resentment, by allowing them to truly forgive.”
While forgiving will indeed require some effort, you don’t need a mental health professional to lead you down the path of forgiveness, according to the article. It’s something you can achieve on your own, as long as you know which steps to take.
Here are the 12 forgiveness process steps LaBianca explains in her article:
Know that forgiveness is available to everyone
Decide you want to choose forgiveness
Make a list
Uncover your anger
Commit to forgiveness
Consider the other person’s wounds
Consider other person’s humanity
Feel a softening
Bear the pain
Give the person a gift
Begin the discovery phase
Repeat, repeat, repeat
“When we’ve been treated deeply unfairly by others, we should have the tools to deal with that so the effects of that injustice don’t take hold in an unhealthy way,” says Dr. Enright. Following the forgiveness process steps will provide you with those tools.
Following on the heels of a remarkably successful forgiveness conference in Jerusalem, the International Forgiveness Institute (IFI) is now preparing for its next international conference–this one on January 18, 2018 in Rome, Italy.
The Rome Conference on Forgiveness is a one-day forum that starts at 2:30 pm and concludes at 7:00 pm at the University of Santa Croce (Pontificia Università della Santa Croce), adjacent to the famous Piazza Navona.
“This first-of-its-kind conference in Rome will explore what it means to forgive another person who has been unjust to you,” according to Dr. Robert Enright, founder of the IFI, who is organizing this conference just as he did the one in Jerusalem. “Important ideas on how to help children and adolescents learn to forgive will be presented by international experts in the field of forgiveness education.”
Dr. Enright added that the theme of forgiving within the Abrahamic traditions will be another important topic with a focus on helping youth within those traditions learn to forgive. Dr. Enright has developed Forgiveness Education Curriculum Guides for students in pre-school through 12th Grade. Those Guides are now being used in more than 30 countries around the world.
Distinguished speakers at The Rome Conference on Forgiveness and their topics include:
Dr. Robert Enright, the acknowledged pioneer in the social scientific study of forgiveness, founder of the International Forgiveness Institute, and Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Wisconsin, USA, will discuss the science of forgiveness education.
Annette Shannon of Holy Cross Girls Primary School in Belfast, Northern Ireland will focus on the direct application of forgiveness education in her school.
Dr. Barbara Marchica, Catholic theologian, pastoral counselor, and teacher in Milan, Italy will examine forgiveness and forgiveness education in a Christian context.
Peta Pellach of the Elijah Interfaith Institute in Jerusalem will give a talk on forgiveness and forgiveness education in an Orthodox Jewish context.
Omar Al-Barazanch, the new Iraqi ambassador to the Vatican, will discuss the theme of forgiving from the Islamic perspective.
Alison Sutherland of the Rotary Action Group for Peace will explore worldwide issues of forgiveness particularly for youth in war-torn areas.
Grammenos Mastrojenni of the Italian Foreign Affairs Ministry and the Honorable Paola Binetti of the Italian Parliament will give talks on how forgiveness can be part of dialogue and political discourse.
Mons Mariano Fazio, Vicar General of Opus Dei, will discuss the teachings on charity and forgiveness of St. Josemaria Escriva, founder of Opus Dei.
So often when I talk with people who have suffered severe injustices, they are not ready to forgive. This is a normal reaction because a time of anger and adjustment to what happened is important. Forgiveness never should be rushed or pushed onto anyone. To the injured does the decision to forgive belong.
Within the past few weeks, I was talking with a teenager who lives under very trying circumstances. He lives on the West Coast of the United States. He has a history of violence against others because “this is the way you survive,” he told me. “Forgiveness is a sign of weakness,” he added. “You just can’t imagine what my family would say if I came home and proclaimed that I am forgiving those who hurt me. They would get a big laugh out of this.”
Yet, his strategies are not necessarily working for him. He is in a special program and could be expelled from his school and even from his school district. Three of his relatives are in maximum security prison. I hope we can keep him from following them.
What strikes me in particular about this young man is his apparent kindness. He does not have angry eyes. He talks in a respectful way to me. We are engaged in a conversation, not engaged in a battle of wills. He wants to learn more about forgiveness, but he knows he could pay a dear price for practicing it, especially if his family and peers begin to mock him.
“You can forgive and not tell anyone you did this, not even the one who hut you,” I said. “Those you forgive will know by how you respond to them, by how you are civil to them. You do not have to use the word, ‘forgive.’”
“I need my anger,” was his studied response.
“Don’t let them win twice!” I said to him. “You have been hurt by others’ actions. Now you are carrying around the **effects** of those injustices against you. In your hurt, you are hurting others. In your hurt, you are being told over and over that you are the one who needs rehabilitation. You are the one being stereotyped.”
He looked at me with insightful eyes. He wanted to learn more.
“Yes, you have been hurt by others. Now you are hurting others. You are even hurting yourself by your actions. Do you see how those who hurt you at first are hurting you again? They may not be present to you, but they are inside of you, disrupting you, angering you, causing you pain and causing you to give pain to others.”
“They have hurt me twice,” was his insight. He got it.
“The key now is to deliberately commit to do no harm to those who have injured you. Another key now is to deliberately commit to do no harm to others. Don’t let your pain become others’ pain. When you do that, those who have hurt you win again. Those who originally hurt you win twice.”
I added: “When you forgive, you do not throw justice out the window. When people hurt you, try to exercise both justice and forgiveness together. And justice is very different from revenge. When you seek revenge, you are letting the other win as you come to the attention of authorities, when you are punished…..again.”
“They have hurt me enough. They will not win again.”
And with that he committed to working on his own anger…..so that “the bad guys” don’t have a chance to win a second time. We shook hands. We have a mutual respect for each other as persons.
Forgiveness Stops the Hurt So the “Bad Guys” Don’t Defeat You
How about you? Have others hurt you? Are you allowing them to win again?
In the latest round of false criticism against the moral virtue of forgiveness, we find this: Forgiveness places an extra burden on victims because they already are burdened by injustice. Now asking them to forgive or even assisting them in forgiveness adds a new challenge, a new burden and this is unfair. Leave the victim alone, is the advice.
Let us examine this claim of a new unfair burden in forgiving. Suppose that Person A deliberately hits Person B’s knee with a baseball bat, breaking the knee. Person B has a burden: the broken knee and the resentment toward Person A.
If Person B now wishes to take seriously the responsibility for physical healing, should this person now go to the emergency room and endure the bright lights and the MRI and the surgery and the physical rehab? Or, would this be too much of an added burden for Person B. Perhaps it is unfair to encourage Person B to seek medical help……if we follow the logic of the forgiveness criticism.
Yet, this added burden of medical care, which can be a challenge, is hardly a burden relative to living with a broken knee that may not heal well with the resultant pain and limp that may last indefinitely. The “burden” of healing is not nearly as troublesome as the burden of neglect of the injury.
Now let us turn back to the argument against forgiveness. Let us even stay with the baseball bat incident. Person B not only has a broken knee, but now also a broken heart from the shocking and unexpected incident.
Is it a burden to assist this person in healing the broken heart? Should we just let the victim be? Should we just let the victim live with the broken heart…..perhaps for the rest of the person’s life?
Do you see how this latest criticism against forgiveness is false? Do you see how the major problem is the error in thinking by the critics and not in forgiveness itself?
When a person is morally injured, it seems to be charitable to offer healing. Yes, healing can be challenging, but ignoring healing can be much worse.
Forgiveness therapy for abusers is being implemented now in both medium and maximum security prisons. The thought behind this work is that those who wound others often have been wounded prior to their crimes.
This same kind of thinking underlies our Anti-Bullying Forgiveness Curriculum (available here on our website). If those who bully are taught to forgive the people who have filled them with resentment and unhealthy anger, then we may have taken away a major motivation to hurt others.
If the younger generation were fortified with forgiveness education from the early elementary grades through high school, I hypothesize that domestic violence would statistically-significantly decrease from its current levels. Thank you for the very interesting ideas.
Pretoria North Reckford Community Newspaper Group, Nelspruit, South Africa –
“You can’t get angry, you have to forgive.”
That is what Ryno Mulder says has enabled him to cope with the gut-wrenching turbulence he and his wife Verna have experienced over the past five weeks since their eight-month-old daughter Mienke stopped breathing when she choked on a bottle.
Mienke was being fed in her caregiver’s arms when the girl started turning blue from lack of oxygen and lost consciousness. She was resuscitated at a nearby hospital before being airlifted to a Johannesburg hospital where she has been since the incident on August 25.
MRI scans show that Mienke has suffered severe brain damage and is believed to be blind. Her doctors fear that she will be unable to walk or talk. On Monday (Sept. 18) a feeding tube was inserted in her stomach.
“No parent should go through this; I would not wish this on anyone,” Ryno said. “We are still going through a roller coaster of emotions and everyone’s support has been helpful.”
More than 26,000 people are following Mienke’s progress on the“Please Pray for Mienke” Facebookgroup that Verna and Ryno have set up. Hundreds have also donated funds to help with ongoing medical and rehab costs. To assure those donors that their funds will be spent solely on the little bundle who has crawled so deep into people’s hearts, Ryno said a MienkeMulder Trust Fund has been established at StandardBank which has offices in 20 countries on the African continent.
Because he didn’t want her to be blamed or criticized, Ryno would not reveal the name of either Mienke’s caregiver or the creche (day nursery) where the incident happened. “You can’t get angry, you have to forgive,” he repeated.
On Wednesday of last week, Mienke opened her eyes for the first time since choking on the bottle, giving the entire Mulder family hope and a reason to stay positive.
Read more about Mienke and her family in these Lowvelder Media (South Africa) articles: