You emphasize the idea of finding meaning in the suffering.  What do you mean by the term meaning?

Dr. Viktor Frankl was the first mental health professional who emphasized the term “meaning” in the context of great suffering.  He was imprisoned in Auschwitz during World War II.  He observed that when prisoners found no meaning in their suffering within the concentration camp, they died.  Those who found meaning in their suffering lived.  Dr. Frankl found meaning by looking up to the mountains when on a forced march outside the camp. He reveled in the beauty and found meaning in the fact that this is a world filled with beauty despite grave suffering.  He found meaning in being determined to be reunited with his wife.  When people are treated unjustly and then forgive, they often find this meaning: They now are more aware of the suffering in other people and they are motivated to help alleviate that suffering.  This can give determination, energy, and hope to a person and help to re-establish psychological health.

For additional information, see Finding Meaning in Suffering.

With regard to the popular saying, “forgive and forget,” is it unwise for me to want to forget?

Some people are afraid that, if they forget, then the other person’s injustice will emerge again.  Others, as in your case, want to forget.  When we “forget” in your case, we tend to let the memory fade so that it is not constantly coming up for us and challenging our happiness.  I find that as people forgive, they do forget in the sense of no longer having to continually relive the event in their mind.  What tends to happen is this: People now remember in new ways and look back less frequently.  By “remembering in new ways” I mean that when you look back, you do so with far less pain than in the past.  People look back less frequently because, when filled with resentment, there is a tendency to ruminate on what happened in the hope of solving the unpleasant issue. Upon forgiving, you may not have solved the problem, but you have solved the nagging effects of that problem such as anger, fatigue, and sadness.  So, it is wise to engage in “forgive and forget” as described here.

For additional information, see Forgive and Forget: What Does it Mean?

 

How young can someone be to start forgiving?

We have found that pre-kindergarten children (age 4) and kindergarten children (age 5) are able to follow picture-book stories centered on family love.  This is an important foundation for learning how to forgive.  We have found through our scientific studies that children as young as 6-years-old can understand the causes and consequences to behavior.  They, therefore, can understand unjust actions by others (a cause) and the development of resentment in the offended person (a consequence). Further, these 6-year-old children then can understand that the resentment can be overcome by forgiving, which in some cases can restore relationships (if the other is willing to cooperate).

For additional information, see Your Kids Are Smarter Than You Think.

I am forgiving my husband for some really inappropriate behavior.  Even so, I cannot say that I feel any sense of freedom from all of my effort.  Does this mean that I have not forgiven?

We do not necessarily reach complete feelings of freedom upon forgiving because we sometimes have anger left over.  As long as the anger is not controlling you, and as long as you are not displacing that anger back onto your husband, then you very well may be forgiving or at least in the process of moving toward forgiving.  Has he altered the behavior that you say is inappropriate?  Sometimes there is the unfinished business of seeking justice toward a full reconciliation.  You might need to talk with him about the behavior and if he willingly changes, then this may help with your sense of freedom.

Learn more at Forgiveness for Couples.

I have been offended at least 10 times by my roommate for the same thing: coming in late, being noisy, and disrupting my sleep.  Do you recommend that I forgive each of these 10 incidents one at a time or can I forgive all at once for all of these?

I think you can forgive all at once for all of these, but at the same time, as you forgive, you should ask for fairness or justice from your roommate.  If the roommate had been unfair to you in, say, three entirely different ways, then you could forgive for each of these independent injustices.

For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.

Have you changed anything about yourself since studying forgiveness?

I think I have become much more attuned to the suffering of others.  I now try to see beneath the surface of others to their inner world, particularly the woundedness that others carry silently within them, and I think there is a great deal of this woundedness in the world.

For additional information, see Choose Love, Not Hate.

Is there such a thing as unnecessary forgiveness?  For example, suppose there is a painful misunderstanding and neither party was unfair.

Forgiveness in this case would be unnecessary unless one or both of the people acted inappropriately after the misunderstanding occurred.  For example one person might have become excessively anger and used harsh words toward the other.  In this case, they would not be dealing with the issue of forgiveness for the original misunderstanding, but instead with the aftermath of that misunderstanding when hurtful words were expressed.

For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.